All At Once Courageous… All At Once Afraid…

“In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water”

I’m proud of myself.  I struggle to say that most times but today it is easy and I’m proud of that too.  I took a move forward yesterday, a leap into the deep water, and it has me all at once courageous… all at once afraid.

I have spent the last decade preparing to be the woman God seems to want me to be.  I have succeeded, failed, taken steps forward, and leaps back.  In all this time though, his word has not changed.  People continue to pray over me, to speak prophetic words into my life, and to affirm his expectations, “You are to be a prophetic voice.  A force for justice. A leader.”

Truthfully, sometimes this excites me to no end.  I am thrilled by the idea of being something akin to a heroine.  I want to see sweeping changes happen across the world because God used me.  I want to impact lives in earth-shaking ways.  I want people to know my name and have stories to share about how well I loved them.

Sometimes… I want to run away.  I want to give it all back for fear of taking this gift and squandering it.

That fear can be paralyzing and its constant presence can make taking opportunities to fulfill my calling very difficult.  That is why I am proud.  I’m still a mess, so much work to be done in me, but God presented another step in this journey and I took it.  And it has brought me 1500 miles from home.

I have now been a resident of Omaha, Nebraska for 24 hours and, for such a sad day full of grieving the life I said goodbye to, there has already been a lot of joy and richness.

I’m spent my day getting acclimated to my new office space, having lunch with some of my new co-workers, and playing goldilocks.

Until my future roommate, Bethany, and I find a place I will be staying in the guest room of the P.A.C. house (Park Ave Community).   The P.A.C. house is a group of 20-somethings living in an intentional community that feels called to serve their neighborhood, in love.  There are 6 people, 3 men and 3 women, living in the house.  They work full-time and use their free time to serve others; particularly the local children.

I love it here.  There’s a sweet, bohemian feel to the home and it is clear that Jesus lives here.  I look forward to living with Bethany but I can already tell that I will miss this environment.  It makes me want to write, paint, and go barefoot.

I was given the house key by a co-worker and let myself in since no one was home.  I went to my room, had the fleeting thought, “what have done?! I need to go home”, cried, and promptly fell into a 4-hour nap.

It was a bit odd and almost surprising not to wake up to find Papa bear, Mama bear, and baby bear staring me down.  Alas, I opened my eyes to this empty room (note the good bye canvas you all signed for me.  It’s the one thing I unpacked before laying down to sleep). I was a bit of a shock to one of my new roomies when I meandered downstairs that evening.

Cole, the second roommate I met after my nap, was just headed out the door for a Derek Webb concert and invited me along.  Thank you Jesus!  I was so sad and felt so lost without all of you.  This was a most welcomed distraction.

The concert was held in the basement of someone’s home (how awesome is that?) and it turned out to be Derek and his wife Sandra performing.  It felt more like time with friends and someone just happened to bring along a few guitars.  The setting was intimate and we spent just as much time listening to Sandra and Derek tell stories as we did listening to their music.  I found myself crying once or twice.  It was a time of worship for me and a loving, comforting gift from my father.  It was as though he realized how frightened I was and said, “Don’t be afraid, Darling.  You’re doing the right thing. I love you and want you to feel that tonight”.

P.S.  this guy was staring at me the first time I went to use the bathroom in the P.A.C. house…

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4 thoughts on “All At Once Courageous… All At Once Afraid…

  1. Ana – I love you! I’m so thankful for this post, and understand your feelings of grieving and at the same time of joy in your new surroundings!… and I love Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken!!! Praying for your season of transition and for all the Lord has in store for this time! Miss you, friend!

    • Sorry for the delayed reply. Lots of traveling the last week.

      Thank you so much for your prayers. I miss you too!!!
      <3

  2. Ana. Reading this made me SO INCREDIBLY happy. I’m so excited to see what’s to come of your life in Omaha… Great things are going to happen, I know. Love you!!!

    • Nicole!

      I love you so much, girl. Not getting “Nicole” time on a regular basis is so not good for my soul. I miss you!

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