“Been There… Done That…”




Did I slip into a shirt with the wrong label when I got dressed this morning?

Perception is such a powerful thing and can so often be wrong.  One of the perceived truths about me that has been wrong for so long is that of my virginity; or lack thereof.

In my junior year of high school I remember the subject of sex coming up in economics class.  A small group of us were discussing who had lost their virginity and Blake Underhill made some off-handed comment about how he had chalked me up as one of the non-virgins.  I was so embarrassed and immediately corrected him.  I was in fact a virgin.  The most I had ever done was kiss a boy.  I was met with a doubtful look.

It’s been that way ever since.

It happened again tonight.  A friend, whom I love and recognize meant no harm , asked me if I had ever had sex with Luke.  They said they simply assumed I was “the kind of girl who would think that was okay in a committed relationship”.

“No I haven’t… In fact I never have… i’m a virgin…”


There is apparently something in my walk , look, or manner of speech that says, “been there… done that”.

It’s so incredibly hurtful.  Though I am so sad to admit that i’m no longer as inexperienced as the girl in that junior economics class I am still not this picture people seem inclined to paint me as.  I have made mistakes and given away pieces of my self and I can never change that.  It’s something I have to hand over to God and something my husband and I will deal with one day.  Still, what about me screams, “non-virgin!”?

Am I not sweet and demure enough? Is it the size of my breasts? My choice in clothing? Do I not blush enough when a crude joke is made?  Does my chastity belt not make a loud enough clang when I walk?

What makes it so easy to make assumptions about something so personal?  Something others have no first-hand knowledge of?

Do women assume the same thing? Are men writing me off without even knowing me?

What a sad thought.

Assumptions hurt… Afterall, I remember a boy who asked me this simple question over a decade ago and i’m sure I will remember the one from tonight as well.

If we haven’t seen it with our own eyes or heard it with our own ears then we don’t know if it’s truth… let’s bear that in mind.

“Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

James 4: 11-12


5 thoughts on ““Been There… Done That…”

  1. I don’t think this is a personal affront, Ana. I believe it is a fault of society that anyone who knows you would make any sort of assumption – in the day and age we live in, if you’re a normal, attractive male or female who has been in any decent form of a relationship, the chances are you have had sex. It is a bit discouraging when fellows in faith make these culturally biased assumptions, but I would encourage you to always be open an honest about your decision to wait until marriage, and be quick to forgive anyone who simply doesn’t realize how their view of you is obscured by the world’s expectations. <3 True Love Waits, sista!

  2. Ditto to what Caroline said. I was preparing the same sort of comment myself. I think she hit the nail on the head when she said it’s an issue with society/our culture to go ahead and assume that an a male and a female in a relationship past the third date has done the deed. Of course Christians should not fall prey to this (hello “do not conform any longer…”) sort of assumption but it’s true.

  3. Caroline and Katie,

    Thank you so much. Your words are very encouraging and gave me a different perspective on this. It helped me to see a bigger issue and not just the “personal affront”.

    I love you both!
    (well I think I do LOL. Caroline I’m sure of but this is Katie Wiggins, right?)

  4. Why get caught up in what anyone thinks? Maybe it is because I’m not a female, or because I’ve caved in to societal expectations or maybe because I’m morally corrupt… either way, I don’t see the big deal or how its a personal affront… Now, I can see why it might have been a big deal in high school (wow, 10 years ago? really? you’re old)… high school is awkward, scary, odd, etc etc… what if someone assumed you had stolen something at some time or another… or had lustful thoughts toward someone… or that you are a Mets fan… or that your cellphone was once used to view porn (that is true!)… you know, people make assumptions… sometimes they are stupid assumptions… or unfair ones… or ones that are baseless… in what way does it harm you? If someone is going to overlook you because they assumed you aren’t a virgin (I’m not even sure why most guys would care one way or another) or because you’re brown, or because you’re vocal, or because you get on soapboxes, or because of any other reason, then they aren’t for you… Your match (your aid, your ezer) is out there… and won’t make any assumptions and will take the time to get to know you… for the record, I wouldn’t have guessed you for a whore… or a tease I don’t think… but I never really thought about it before…

  5. Not ten years yet, punk! Just… almost.

    I’m sure it is hard for a man to understand. I think Caroline and Katie have a deeper insight into why this offends or hurts me but I appreciate hearing from a guy.
    At least it wasn’t someone assuming I liked the Mets.. or worse… the red sux!
    (also… did you just imply that I use my phone for porn? umm.. huh?)

    I like how you worked “ezer” into this one; and used it to refer to a man and not me :P I look forward to meeting that man one day.

    So glad you wouldn’t guess me for a whore. that’s 2:1 now! i’m improving.

    love ya!

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