My tears have been my food day and night

I keep coming back to that line….
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If you feed your spirit nothing but tears you’ll just wither away. I don’t want that.
I miss being excited by  my father.
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The line in psalm 42 that really makes me cry is “These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.”
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I really am doing much better but I still feel like i’m falling so short of where I once was.
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I smile more now. I’m enjoying the company of others and do have moments of happiness. I just don’t have joy.  And on top of the lack of joy is the guilt for not having it in the midst of trials.  It’s amazing how the enemy can take your hurt and compound it with a whole new piles of lies.  He’s a sneaky bastard.
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I’m not sleeping well.  I think it’s at times when i’m supposed to be resting that the enemy is working at his hardest.  My dreams have been really upsetting these past couple of weeks.  I don’t know how to tackle and I want to take command of my thoughts but how do I do it when i’m sleeping?  In the dreams I relive what happened with Luke, I dream about it going differently, about him coming back into my life (sometimes to hurt me again and sometimes we end up in love).  It’s like my mind betrays me and I always wake up agitated and upset.  What do I do?  I’m really asking for advice here.  And prayer.
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“By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life”

I need this.

Psalm 42
1As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. 2My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? 3My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” 4These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. 5Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and6my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 7Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. 8By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life. 9I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” 10My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” 11Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
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I want to be leading the procession.  I want to be satisfied with my father.
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I called
you answered
and you came to my rescue
and I want to be where you are
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