Masquerading Angel

During the unpacking process yesterday I came across an old journal of mine.  It’s filled with messages I heard, poems I wrote, and other random material.  One poem stuck out to me because it represents a huge part of what i’ve been discussing in counseling these past weeks.  My relationship with my adoptive mother was an always volatile, often abusive, and far from loving one.  Unfortunately, I know there are a lot of people out there who share similar scars from relationships with their own parents or loved ones.  I know the painful, lasting effect those wounds can have on our identity and self-worth.  It changes you.  I’m sorry if you’ve ever had to deal with that.  You deserve so much more.

Masquerading Angel

Everything she knows is in this woman.

She is her source of fear, her source of pain.

From her comes every bruising touch,

every scarring word.

And it Burns.

But this is all she knows

and she cannot bear to let it go.

Daily she runs from the creatures that  marked her childhood.

But their whispers find her every night.

These memories possess claws that tear at her will.

Shredding her image with the reminder that this is all she has.

everything she is lies in a woman who wants to walk away.

She cries out, claiming the woman’s ankle in fear.

Grasping in an attempt to forget who the woman truly is.

To forget the masquerading angel who took her hand,

forcing her into the darkness as she whispered sugared lies.

“I am your savior”

“I am your mother”

“I am all there is”

The words coiled around the child’s body,

until they were molded into truth.

A truth that now crawled onto her sweat-blanketed skin.

Pulling free from her hands the woman retreats.

Leaving her child to stand alone.

Heavy tears slide down her cheeks as she collapses

Who else is there?

God and faith had deserted her long ago

to hurt, to cry, and to be without.

Still in desperation she closed her eyes

and began to speak to him.

She raged at him and she cried out to him.

In that final moment,

he spoke back,

“let her go”

“In me you will find mother, father, and savior.”

“let me love you”

He loves you!

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2 thoughts on “Masquerading Angel

  1. Hey Ana..

    I read your poem and it brought tears to my eyes..I thought of my own story and boy do I relate..and I definitely see God as my abba and mother..Ive known him as abba but i am learning to see him in another light as mama and its a change..keep writting..it blesses others..

  2. I so appreciate your well-written and moving poetry! Thanks so much for joining us for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE which I just posted at my blog for this month. Welcome! I hope you join us again. We have an edition every month and details are always at my blog, even when the carnival is traveling around to other host blogs.

    I hope you keep writing your powerful poetry.

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