During the unpacking process yesterday I came across an old journal of mine. It’s filled with messages I heard, poems I wrote, and other random material. One poem stuck out to me because it represents a huge part of what i’ve been discussing in counseling these past weeks. My relationship with my adoptive mother was an always volatile, often abusive, and far from loving one. Unfortunately, I know there are a lot of people out there who share similar scars from relationships with their own parents or loved ones. I know the painful, lasting effect those wounds can have on our identity and self-worth. It changes you. I’m sorry if you’ve ever had to deal with that. You deserve so much more.
Everything she knows is in this woman.
She is her source of fear, her source of pain.
From her comes every bruising touch,
every scarring word.
And it Burns.
But this is all she knows
and she cannot bear to let it go.
Daily she runs from the creatures that marked her childhood.
But their whispers find her every night.
These memories possess claws that tear at her will.
Shredding her image with the reminder that this is all she has.
everything she is lies in a woman who wants to walk away.
She cries out, claiming the woman’s ankle in fear.
Grasping in an attempt to forget who the woman truly is.
To forget the masquerading angel who took her hand,
forcing her into the darkness as she whispered sugared lies.
“I am your savior”
“I am your mother”
“I am all there is”
The words coiled around the child’s body,
until they were molded into truth.
A truth that now crawled onto her sweat-blanketed skin.
Pulling free from her hands the woman retreats.
Leaving her child to stand alone.
Heavy tears slide down her cheeks as she collapses
Who else is there?
God and faith had deserted her long ago
to hurt, to cry, and to be without.
Still in desperation she closed her eyes
and began to speak to him.
She raged at him and she cried out to him.
In that final moment,
he spoke back,
“let her go”
“In me you will find mother, father, and savior.”
“let me love you”
He loves you!