I have always had a natural inclination to challenge authority; particularly when it represented something I was not in support of. Some of this might be attributed to how the Lord made me and some to my childhood experiences. Even so, I am not necessarily looking to be a person in power. I don’t seek out power for the sake of power but I also do not shy away from opportunities to voice my opinions and possibly create change where needed. I am a planner. I like to-do lists and schedules and enjoy leading an effort to produce something from start to finish. Many of you have been there for the times at Wesley when we learned about spiritual gifts. It’s hard not to desire the flashy gifts such as prophecy and healing. My gifts have always proven to be more administrative and service-oriented. It’s sort of like hall monitor versus the quarterback. The hall monitor is not going to be getting all the glory and I’m learning to be okay with that.
My administrative skills have opened doors concerning leadership though. No matter how charismatic someone is they will still need someone to do the planning and that’s where I would come in. I was the same way in high school. I didn’t play sports or cheer on the football players but I was the Editor of the paper and on student government. These sort of roles followed me into college and landed me a place in ministry. As I said I don’t shy away from positions of authority but I do face some challenges once I am in those positions. I struggle with finding a role that feels completely comfortable for me. I want enough power to be able to steer something in a direction I desire or to know my voice is going to be recognized but I don’t necessarily want the buck to stop with me. I like to know that there is at least one other person over me; someone to teach me and someone to hand the reigns over to if I feel myself losing control. Without to much reflection I would guess this stems from insecurity. I feel incredibly strong in some areas and worry about my incompetence in others. I just want to know that someone is nearby who is even better at things than I am.
I was reading a story about an every-day woman named Lillian who ended up leading her community in a fight against injustices perpetrated by a man named Robert Moses. Lillian was quoted as saying “I was just a housewife.” Well I’m “just” AnaYelsi and as much as I want to push my limits and see what I’m capable of I don’t necessarily want to know what those limits are. What if I’m not capable of accomplishing everything I am called to and hope for? My mind knows that the Lord does so much through me and that his power is limitless but that can be hard to recall in moments of timidity. The story talked about how Lillian was silenced by her own tears and someone else had to speak for her during a meeting. It’s those instances of weakness that my pride wants to avoid. Despite every roadblock, including her own emotions, Lillian pushed forth and fought. That is encouraging and that is another characteristic I believe I share. I may get rattled by life sometimes but I persevere. The last thing I ever want said is that my fears silenced me and allowed men such as Robert Moses to oppress the people around him. One of the women I admire most is Esther. She risked her life to challenge a king because she saw an injustice that she would not tolerate. She was “just” Esther and that was enough to prevent the massacre of many Jews. I hope to be a woman of that much worth.