The Desert

This is just one of those nights.

I should be writing a paper that is due at 11 am but I just don’t have the focus right now. i’m feeling lethargic, a little down, kinda deep, and just a bit introspective. humph…
I don’t actually have any sort of focus for this blog. I just wanted to write as the thoughts came and went. So I guess you can just read for as long as you’re bored and until you find something more stimulating to devote your attention to.

Our heat just kicked on again. It’s funny how this inanimate thing can make noise in the middle of the night and because you’re the only one awake, it is almost a comforting sort of companion.
I watched Grey’s Anatomy tonight. it was amazing and made me cry. shut up Chip .
I can’t decide if I just want to post random crap or be real about the things that are keeping me up and not writing my paper.

Well i’m already out of random crap so I guess the decision has been made for me.
This has been an incredibly hard week for me. I know some of you have been praying for me. You have no idea how much that means to me. please keep praying. For those of you who have had to deal with my mood swings, my ups and downs, i’m sorry. Thank you for being patient with me. I’m just sad and there’s nothing anyone can really do about it but thank you for loving me enough to try (Val, you’re wonderful).

I don’t think i’ll ever really understand why when you are experiencing wonderful growth and the Lord is moving in your life you suddenly find yourself in the middle of a desert.
my heart has been so full this past month. I was hearing God, my prayer life was exploding and I had a purpose. So many things had been put on my heart and I felt like my excitement was going to burst out of me. and then suddenly, nothing but desert. miles and miles of desert seperating me from all those things that had been exciting my heart.

It terrifies me because I have slowly been letting go of everything that I defined myself by and making room for time. Nothing but time to be in prayer. Now i’m in this dry space and I feel lost. I don’t lead a community group. I don’t have coffeehouse. I gave up both of my jobs. All I know how to do is “do”. Do more, work more, serve more. I feel like my worth was in that and I let it go because I thought something great was going to happen. And logically I can say something great will happen because the Lord already told me that and he is faithful but that’s not how i’m really feeling. I feel like I got really close to something and somehow something I did made me let it go too soon.

The heat just kicked on again. On second thought, it’s not all that comforting.